UESP Canon

[Eltee]

The beautiful, exotic, and above all, mysterious woman we all know and love... I speak, of course, of our beloved mama bear, Avron. But how well do we REALLY know her?

We will need to dig deep to find the incredible, and sometimes unbelievable, origins of UESP's resident swarthy eastern mistress. The amazing, if dubious, adventures of her forbears, the ridiculous romances, the bedazzling blunders. The good, the bad, and the exotically beautiful. Trace her origins through ancient times, to the height of ottoman glory, to the courageous last stands under the banners of the stars and stripes, to the infamous exploits of her forbears in the African deserts in the World Wars and beyond.

The origins of this factfinding project can be found here:

Everyone thinks I am Middle Eastern in origin given my dark features (er, hair, I guess), but we all know I'm pretty American.

Avron, our resident exotic beauty.

I want to be swarthy and exotic. I need to make up some crazy story and get some more interesting origins. English gone tea-spillin' Colonists just isn't kickin' it these days.

Ooh! Next competition of the month: Synthesize a suitable backstory for our exotic eastern temptress: Avron.

The Avron canon.

Mastering your own canon is critical. Take the AKB-Musicman duality: Gold.

Then, our beloved Swede started the ball rolling...

The year was 1620. Dapper rogue Seksi Dinozor-Sos (Avron's great-great-great-and so on grandfather), hailing from a specific country in the Balkans, was in deep trouble with the law for kicking an Arch-Bishop in the balls. He traveled all across Europe with nothing more than 2 bottles of somewhat nutricious dirt which he carried bundled up in a blanket at the end of a stick.
Eventually he reached England, and boarded the Mayflower. Onboard the Mayflower he met a lady by the name Amanda Rae Honeybuttocks. They fell madly in love with one another and promptly spent 45 minutes making European love.
But, unfortunately, it turns out that kicking an Arch-Bishop in the balls causes one to become a vampire after a few weeks, so Seksi ended the trip prematurely, with a dozen wooden stakes impaling his body.
The heartbroken Miss Honeybuttocks arrived in the United States of Murica alone and heartbroken, but unbeknown to her, life was growing within the deepest reaches of her lady parts.
This little lump of cells was to be known as Devrim FitzDinozor-Sos, who would later fight in the Murican Revolution at age 155 and still kick unreasonable amounts of ass.

Then mostly boring things happened.

[Br3admax]

Sweat! I'll start:

Spoiler:

Devrim was not born. Rather, his mother just left him there. Upon arriving in the the USM, Amanda cried. She traveled mile after mile, weeping tears in weird patters. Her sadness, so sorrow; her pain, so deep; that she cried a great river. And they called it the Mississipper, because young children asked married women to smack her in the head. Little did they know then that these same beatings lead to all the whining in Murica today. Her anger, all the hot air. But her courage and perseverance lead to its culture. But once Amanda stopped crying she was overcame with joy, for the tears lead to a great water slide. She rode the water slide all the way to the Gulf of Spanish Territory Number 5, and from her laughter Devrim was came to be in this world, not natural birth. But then, a great tidal wave, washed into the new mother. Devrim was pushed out to see, in the dark. His cries summoned a great hurricane, which picked up the baby. He traveled for miles, but then landed in the most desolate, and yet delicious, of places the Rocky Road Mountains.

[Hissien]

You cannot create or destroy Avron, Avron can only become new forms of Avron.

[Derp53]

I had a meme for this kind of thing....

[Br3admax]

This thread is genius. Pure Genius, The ale of the S'wit must be told.

[Wolfie]

The swift has always been, since the dawn when she said “let the be cookies” and there was.

[Arch-Mage Matt]

The elderly man was just tucked his grandson into bed and sat at the end of his feet. "Goodnight, Billy."

"Papa," Said Billy, stalling the man from getting up. "Who is Avron the S'wit?"

Papa bit his lip. He hated when kids asked these kinds of questions. "No one really knows, child. Don't trouble yourself, pondering endlessly over the unknown."

"But, Papa," The boy insisted. "Where did Avron come from?"

"We only have myths and legends to go on," Papa said gently. "Though they say Avron was once a mighty warrior, risen from the fires of war, raised by wolves the size of tigers!"

"She sounds amazing," Billy said as he drifted off to sleep. "Why did she choose to visit us, here on Earth?"

"I'd sooner provide an answer to why the grass is green, or where we go after we die. They say Avron graced us with her presence to bring an everlasting peace to mankind - but the mortals did not deserve her. We fought over who loved her more, and in her ultimate wisdom, Avron decided that she needed to... take a break from the world, her last words were 'You're all acting silly' before she stepped into the pink portal that led to the beyond." Papa answered.

"Will I ever be able to see Avron?" Billy asked.

"Only if you're a good boy, and behave yourself, will you be worthy enough to meet Her Grace." Papa answered solemnly.

"I will, I'm gonna see Avron when I grow up," Billy muttered as he finally fell into a deep sleep.

The old man chuckled as he walked out of the bedroom. He felt behind his ear for the small piece of extended skin and pulled. As his wrinkles shed and long black hair replaced the old gray ones, The figure threw the false skin to the floor and walked out of the house. "One down," The being breathed. "Seven billion to go."

accualy is avron

[Stormborn]

You people with your Avron cult. If you keep feeding her ego, her head will explode. Or is that your plan?

I thought Avron was an elderly yet sprightly spinster, living in Bumblebutt, Idaho with 73 cats and an internet connection for company.

[Rhyme Asylum]

I thought threads about specific users weren't allowed?

Pffft. That only applies to the lowly mortals, sir.

Heil Avron!

[Avron the S'wit]

Yes. I am immortal and will live forever. Oogly boogly.

Cardbird is right, though, and this is a little awkward for me...but hilarious, and gave me lots of great laughs. Here's a suggestion: what if we made it into a community-written story and moved this to The Arts? Everyone could add on and we can create a hilarious and satirical UESP Canon, maybe?

[philfredobob]

Yes. I am immortal and will live forever. Oogly boogly.

Cardbird is right, though, and this is a little awkward for me...but hilarious, and gave me lots of great laughs. Here's a suggestion: what if we made it into a community-written story and moved this to The Arts? Everyone could add on and we can create a hilarious and satirical UESP Canon, maybe?

Nah , i think most of these people are more interested in making it about you

dont ask me why , i dont understand the strange goings on here ....

[MARS]

A UESP Canon would certainly be fun. Mostly because I'd be in it.

[Musicman247]

Moved and renamed.

Mars Canon: Mars grew up in the highlands of someplace, and thus is the highlander. There can be only one.

[Argonanza]

Musicman spent his life playing the violin naked by a creek, luring travelers to their watery grave, until he met a lady who could both out-violin and out-naked him. And that's the story of how Musicman met his wife.

[philfredobob]

Jason and a fish played Bohnanza , and in a flash , Argonanza was born

am i doin it right ? haha

[Rose of Sithis]

accualy is avron

lol'd, hard.

Also, UESP Canon? Hmm. We need Rose Canon, definitely.

[Justice knight]

And a Justice- hmm it's hard to remember back all those centuries...

[Avron the S'wit]

Also, UESP Canon? Hmm. We need Rose Canon, definitely.

Ah, the story of the Ship Master, Rose of Sithis. (Also known as Rosiedoodles, Her Royal Shipster, Kestralbot's Biggest Fan, and miscellaneous other things.) Her origins are almost as unknown as the S'wit's. No one is really sure how Rose became such a goddess at shipping, but I heard a legend that it is divine will, and her talents were handed down to her by the Lord and Master of the One True Pair, who whispered the secrets of shipping into Rose's ear - and thus a great, great prophet was born, sentenced to forever roam the land shipping and struggling to unite OTPs everywhere.

I don't suppose anyone knows the legend of the Green Ones and their Pink Colored Students. Now that is a tale...

[Argonanza]

Some scholars claim Rose was brought up by the abominable snowman. The loneliest creature on earth was supposedly the one true master of shipping, and passed on its knowledge to Rose before it was killed off by a nasty toe infection.

Other scholars call those scholars idiots for ever scholaring about something so stupid and unscholar-y. They firmly believe Rose is hundreds of years old, and has gone under several names through history, among them Blackbeard. There is also a theory that she in ancient times used a magical quill to turn the gods of Olymus into polyamorous sex maniacs.

[Stormborn]

Aeons have pased since Stormborn last walked the earth and I no longer see the point in what mere mortals do. So I'm going to go kill some stuff.