Hilarious (real-life) Stories...

TrogdorCronus27 · Post by **TrogdorCronus27** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 4:09 pm

Heard on a commercial for a prescription laxative: "Do not take this product if you have severe dhiarrea..."

Well, no duh! If you have dhiarrea, I doubt you are going to need a laxative in the first place.

r · Post by r » Thu Jan 10, 2008 4:56 pm

TrogdorCronus27 wrote:Heard on a commercial for a prescription laxative: "Do not take this product if you have severe dhiarrea..."

Well, no duh! If you have dhiarrea, I doubt you are going to need a laxative in the first place.

Ha, it's like on packets of peanuts where it says "May contain nuts". May? I mean, what else is it going to contain?

Ayoub · Post by **Ayoub** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:01 pm

r wrote:May? I mean, what else is it going to contain?

Pea. Or pee. Whatever you prefer.

weka · Post by **weka** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 7:39 pm

Tube driver announcement on my tube home tonight (sorry, missed the crucial bit of what they actually did):
"To the...(too much tube noise to hear)...next time use your one lonely brain cell and do not do that again, you're likely to kill someone, hopefully just yourself though. Please do not do that again."

apploud · Post by **apploud** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:28 pm

(On the bottom of some box..dont remember what it was for)

"Do not turn upside down"

(On the box of a swedish(sp) chainsaw)

"Do not attempt to stop with hands or groin"

Ayoub · Post by **Ayoub** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 pm

apploud wrote:(On the box of a swedish(sp) chainsaw)

"Do not attempt to stop with hands or groin"

Oh, so I guess we can use or mouth and feet?!

weka · Post by **weka** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:33 pm

My brother used his nose to stop one once. Not to be recommended.

r · Post by r » Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:40 pm

weka wrote:Tube driver announcement on my tube home tonight (sorry, missed the crucial bit of what they actually did):
"To the...(too much tube noise to hear)...next time use your one lonely brain cell and do not do that again, you're likely to kill someone, hopefully just yourself though. Please do not do that again."

You've got to love tube drivers. Once I was on a really busy train (busy as in the doors wouldn't shut because it was so full) and the driver just really nonchalantly and monotonously went "I would like to inform passengers that there is another train a minute behind this one... it's empty"

Vesna · Post by **Vesna** » Fri Jan 11, 2008 3:09 am

Ever wonder why they have Braille lettering at a drive-up ATM?

Accident Reports (when you try to swindle the insurance company to pay for your car)

http://www.rinkworks.com/said/insurance.shtml

Personally, I like the "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash." one.

ace62394 · Post by **ace62394** » Fri Jan 11, 2008 3:14 am

apploud wrote:(On the bottom of some box..dont remember what it was for)

"Do not turn upside down"
(On the box of a swedish(sp) chainsaw)

"Do not attempt to stop with hands or groin"

I remeber that, it was on some suflie (100% I spelled that wrong)

Logius · Post by **Logius** » Fri Jan 11, 2008 6:28 am

Vesna wrote:Ever wonder why they have Braille lettering at a drive-up ATM?

Because a blind person might be in the back seat of the car. I drove a blind friend to the ATM once.

My little cousin (age

once told her teacher that my grandmother - who babysits for her quite often - would keep her outside in a doghouse while the dog slept inside and feed her scraps from the kitchen floor. Needless to say, Child Protective Services came to visit the next day. Given the fact that my grandmother hasn't owned a dog for almost 20 years, she was lying, of course, the stinkin kid, and given her rambunctious nature we all immediately knew she was. The caseworker also quickly realized that she wasn't telling the truth and apologized for the bother. A few weeks later, her teacher got sick and a substitute teacher came in... and fell for the same story. She called the authorities immediately and reported my grandmother. Problem is CPS is required to investigate any claim, even though the caseworker knew the allegations were false. Two months later, another substitute teacher... and another visit. At that point the school principal took it upon himself to inform all succeeding substitutes of my cousin's over active imagination.

The Old Alchemist · Post by **The Old Alchemist** » Fri Jan 11, 2008 1:47 pm

I've been in the doghouse before. Probably be in it again before I know it.

Sometimes I go there on my own when I'm quantum drunk.

Ayoub · Post by **Ayoub** » Fri Jan 11, 2008 2:12 pm

The Old Alchemist wrote:I've been in the doghouse before. Probably be in it again before I know it.

Sometimes I go there on my own when I'm quantum drunk.

So when you're quantum drunk, its even possible that you were both in your house and the dog house?

weka · Post by **weka** » Fri Jan 11, 2008 7:33 pm

Email sent out to all this morning:

Subject: Trousers

Hello All

Someone has left their trousers / keys / cash in the meeting room.

They don’t fit me, so please collect them!!!!

And then of course someone had to reply with:

Just keep an eye out for who's naked from the waist down!!!

Images!!!!

The Old Alchemist · Post by **The Old Alchemist** » Fri Jan 11, 2008 7:35 pm

Ayoub wrote:
The Old Alchemist wrote:I've been in the doghouse before. Probably be in it again before I know it.

Sometimes I go there on my own when I'm quantum drunk.
So when you're quantum drunk, its even possible that you were both in your house and the dog house?

No, it's possible that I am in the doghouse and not in the doghouse at the same time.
Sometimes it's possible that I am the doghouse.

Lunarsweets · Post by **Lunarsweets** » Sat Jan 12, 2008 2:19 am

Lol, Vesna....my mom got a e-mail with all those excuses in it....there were a lot of funny ones

r · Post by r » Wed Jan 23, 2008 4:26 pm

Our college used to have a late sign-in book which you'd have to fill in if you were late (who'd have thought it?), along with the reason for your lateness. Once when I was filling it in (transport issues - got stuck behind a tractor...) I noticed the following two entries.

Entry 1 was from a boy who said he'd been to pick up his girlfriend, driven over a nail on the road and burst his tyre and had to change the wheel.

Entry 2 was from his girlfriend and said "I was with him. He's lying - I changed the wheel"

Also in my tutorial today we performed a record-breaking amount of cocking about. At one point we had to listen to some Aborigine music and notate it, and at least my tutor saw the funny side of it when I said "I couldn't do it so I just drew a picture of Australia instead". We spent most of the rest of the lesson drawing things like cans of Foster's and barbecues all over a picture of Australia and turning New Zealand into Mordor.

We also got given the names of a load of musicians who need recordings done for auditions. When our tutor was reading down the list to check who was recording who, he uttered this already-immortal line...

"Nathan's doing Chris on the piano"

Shortly followed by...

"Jon's doing Lisa with an oboe"

Lunarsweets · Post by **Lunarsweets** » Wed Jan 23, 2008 9:32 pm

...Wroooooooooong!!!
Oh god that's wrong...

BUT SOOOOOO FUNNY!!!

Morwen · Post by **Morwen** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 11:34 am

I was browsing the perfume counter in Superdrug the other day, when I noticed the name of one of the Britney Spears perfumes....

"In Control"

Vesna · Post by **Vesna** » Fri Jan 25, 2008 2:45 am

I met my mom's friend in the grocery store, and she had me watch her three daughters while the friend went to get something from the medicine isle (she was afraid one of the kids would swallow something). So here I am standing, with three little girls (aged 4, 2, and 9 months) when a lady who works at the store comes up to me and asks me if they are my kids.

I am never coming back to Publix ever again. Ever.

Lord Sheogorath · Post by **Lord Sheogorath** » Fri Jan 25, 2008 2:59 am

Mixture of shock and laughter

TrogdorCronus27 · Post by **TrogdorCronus27** » Fri Jan 25, 2008 5:27 am

Vesna wrote:I met my mom's friend in the grocery store, and she had me watch her three daughters while the friend went to get something from the medicine isle (she was afraid one of the kids would swallow something). So here I am standing, with three little girls (aged 4, 2, and 9 months) when a lady who works at the store comes up to me and asks me if they are my kids.

I am never coming back to Publix ever again. Ever.

And that right there, folks, is why you shouldn't go to the grocery store, but instead synthesize all your foods via your PC.

Muthsera · Post by **Muthsera** » Fri Jan 25, 2008 3:58 pm

TrogdorCronus27 wrote:
Vesna wrote:I met my mom's friend in the grocery store, and she had me watch her three daughters while the friend went to get something from the medicine isle (she was afraid one of the kids would swallow something). So here I am standing, with three little girls (aged 4, 2, and 9 months) when a lady who works at the store comes up to me and asks me if they are my kids.

I am never coming back to Publix ever again. Ever.
And that right there, folks, is why you shouldn't go to the grocery store, but instead synthesize all your foods via your PC.

No, the true reason you shouldn't visit grocery stores is because employees of 'em (like me) despise customers with a burning hatred that rivals the sun and several other stars in our vicinity.

But then again, I hope you have a nice day. Do you need help out to your car with that?

TrogdorCronus27 · Post by **TrogdorCronus27** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 5:01 pm

This topic shall live again! Nurse, I need a defibrilator and the Staff of Worms, stat! Now that that's out of the way, I'm back on topic.
Okay, so I was at Red Robin (a restaurant with a bar spanning the width of the main room) with my folks. Now, for you to truly grasp the concept, I am going to draw a rough diagram of the restaurant.

@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@
^^^^^^^^^^
@@#@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@

@@@@@@@@@

The @s are tables/booths, the line of ^s is the bar(facing in the direction that the ^s are pointing) and the # is the table my parents and I were at. Now, the funny part. My mom was off talking to somebody she knew, and my dad and I were sitting at the table, when we hear this guy come up to the bar and order something with a voice that was nearly identical to the cross-eyed quarterback from The Waterboy (if you haven't seen the movie, go watch it now). I nearly choked, I was laughing so hard. The guy literally sounded like he had been chain-smoking nonstop for a month and a half.

r · Post by r » Wed Feb 20, 2008 5:07 pm

Hmm... on Friday night we got cautioned by the police on the way back from the pub because we got caught trying to rob a trolley from Asda, then we went back and got it and pushed my housemate all the way home in it singing "Jamaica's got a bobsleigh team!". Earlier that night some random guy told me to down my drink so I did (it was a double JD and coke which was still full because I'd just bought it) then said "Give me something more challenging next time!" 10 minutes later I was sick in a hedge.