Elder Scroll Jokes

[Wolfie]

What did the orc say to the high elf?

Spoiler:

the more the mer er

[AddictedtoMorrowind]

How many Nords does it take to climb a tree?
Three. One to make sure all of them are sober, one to get drunk, and one to climb the tree.
How many Dark Brotherhood members does it take to climb a tree?
Three. One to make sure no one is watching, and one to assassinate the bird's nest.
How many Ordinators does it take to climb a tree?
Four. One to start climbing, one to arrest him for climbing someone's tree, one to arrest him for arresting someone innocent, and one to actually climb the tree while the rest of the Ordinators are arguing and yelling.
How many Dagoths does it take to climb a tree?
Two. One to steal power from the tree.

[Iamgoofball]

I'm gonna "borrow" his idea here.
(+ 10 reference points if you get the reference!)
How many Imperials does it take to sell a haunted house?
Two. One to "not mention" the fact ghosts were haunting the house, and one to give him the key.

How many Dark Brotherhood members does it take to sell a haunted house?
Five. One to kidnap the buyer, one to take the money, one to kill the buyer, one to make it look like he/she was killed by ghosts, and one to create rumors that he was killed by ghosts.

How many Bretons does it take to sell a haunted house?
Three. One to Charm the buyer, one to enchant himself with a Speechcraft bonus and persuade the buyer, one to perform a rite that prevents the buyer from selling the house to someone else, and hand the key to the buyer.

How many Nords does it take to sell a haunted house?
Four. One to threaten him, one to take the money, one to get drunk and lose the money, one to give the buyer the key.

[Imp]

I am sorry if this is technically the necro-post thing, but good or bad I wanted to do a Skyrim joke.

The Battle-Born and the Bard's College made an alliance by the name of 'Battle-Bards'. There slogan is 'We fight with music'

[Samaelthedestroyer]

Who would win in a duel to the death, a bosmer or an altmer?

Spoiler:

everyone else.

[Morrovion]

How much elf would a wood elf chuck if a wood elf would chuck elves?

A wood elf would chuck all the elves it could, if a wood elf could chuck elves.

[Wolfie]

They say the draongs only fear Dolvokin
but dolvikin fears, bears, necromancers, draong preist, frost trolls, giants, saber tigers, and anything made by the dwalfs

[Arzgonzianz]

I'm gonna "borrow" his idea here.
(+ 10 reference points if you get the reference!)
How many Imperials does it take to sell a haunted house?
Two. One to "not mention" the fact ghosts were haunting the house, and one to give him the key.

Is This what your reference was?

I guess I have to contribute:
A mage-like character, A theif/assassin character, and a warrior enter a bar. They all sit down and the bartender asks them all what they did today.
Mage: I set a Cliff Racer on fire today!
Thief/Assassin: I shot a Cliff Racer with an arrow while I was hidden behind a rock!
Warrior: I smashed a Cliff Racer into muck.
*The bar door opens and in walks Fargoth*
Mage: *Starts dual wielding fire spells*
Thief/Assassin: *Pulls out bow*
Warrior: *Un-sheaths sword*

That was kinda lame, but I tried!

[MARS]

"A guard tried to arrest me once. Then he took an arrow to the knee."

[Iaius Amaius Heron]

A nord, redguard, and an orc are in a clearing in the forest, yelling at one another.

"SWORDS!!" yells the redguard.

"HAMMERS!!" growls the orc.

"AXES!!" shouts the nord.

This repeats itself for quite some time, before the redguard swings his sword at the orc. The orc tries to swing his hammer, but the sword gets him first. But the orc says, "Your sword is quick, but it didn't get me."

The hammer comes crashing down on the redguard's head, knocking him out cold in one blow.

"See? Hammers are the best!"

Then the nord's axe whacks the orc in the chest, and is about to say something, but the redguard gets up and slashes at the nord.

Then a frost atronach appears next to the redguard and stomps him, an arrow goes through the nord's neck, and the redguard is exploded by a bolt of lightning.

In the bushes, an altmer, breton, and wood elf high five each other.

Behind them, a dunmer is shaking hands with an imperial, who says, "See? Told you your new slaves would be worth every septim!"

A ways away, an argonian and khajiit are getting high off skooma and hist sap.

[Imp]

What happends when you sneak up behind a sick giant?

You get a breeze of mammoth chesse.

[AddictedtoMorrowind]

I used to be an Altmer, but then I took a Speechcraft to the vocal chords and became an Imperial.
I used to be a Dunmer, but then I took a thief to the personality and became a Bosmer.
I used to be a Nord, but then I took a Moon Sugar to the digestion system and became a Khajiit.

[Imp]

I used to be an orc, then I reached the age of reason.

[Narzul]

There are three J'Skars in this picture.

[MARS]

Hahahaha, good one.

[ZeRoc]

I think I can see him... yep, that is definitely him.

[Iaius Amaius Heron]

The Dovahkiin, the Nerevarine, and the Champion of Cyrodiil all walk into a bar.

[AddictedtoMorrowind]

They all disappear in two minutes.

[Imp]

Why don't many Dunmer go adventuring?


There isn't much to see in The Gray Quarter.

[StarKiller77700]

That's more racist than funny...try again later, and with more laughs! - Avron the S'wit

[Imp]

Argonian Insult:

"Yo mama so stupid, she went to go catch a fish...
and drowned!"

[AddictedtoMorrowind]

How did a Dunmer die?

His Levitation spell malfunctioned while passing the border of Skyrim.

[Crepe the Ashlander]

Ha!

[AddictedtoMorrowind]

Also, you know how Tarhiel died?

Crossing the border of Skyrim (he had originally jumped from High Rock) made his Slowfall spell disappear.

[Imp]

Did you hear about the Argonian who killed the Dunmer in cold blood?