Elder Scroll Jokes

[Imp]

Elder Scrolls Jokes
I just thought it would be a good idea to have jokes that only true Elder Scroll fans would understand. You want to put a joke up, go ahead. Please put the jokes in the correct format this will be put as an example below (Please excuse the double post). Other is for jokes that don’t go anywhere else. Lore is for all jokes that all Elder Scroll fans understand under the Lore section of this very site. (If you don’t understand a lore joke, just look it up under lore). The sections with game titles (Skyrim, Oblivion, Morrowind, Daggerfall, Battlespire, Redguard, and Arena) are for fans that will understand the separate games would only be understood by the people who play that specific game. Not sure if your joke will be understood in other games? Put it in other. If your joke may be complicated, give an explanation in parenthesis unless it is a lore joke.
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Lore: An Altmer, Khajiit, and an Imperial were vacationing to go to the top of Red Mountain. As they were walking together, a rock gave out and they started to fall. The Altmer used a levitation spell and wasn’t harmed. The Khajiit was able to be quick enough to grab on to a loose stone and wall jump the rest of the way down, and was not harmed. The Imperial tried to persuade the ground to not kill him.

[HatofMadness]

Lol...i mean...i actually laughed.

[Mucro]

Fantastic!

[Knight]

Somebody give this guy a fishy stick already!

I must start making jokes now.

[Avron the S'wit]

Lol...i mean...i actually laughed.

Me too! imperialkhajiit, that was a great joke!

This is a great thread idea, too! I'd like to see what clever jokers we have here on the forums.

[Imp]

Thanks everyone. Please remember that I probably won't make one better than the first one, and please try to create your own, here is another:
Oblivion: The Feed Bag and the Black Horse Courier building were forced to merge. Now it's called the Black Horse's Bag

[The Loner]

your quite good at these.

[AddictedtoMorrowind]

Lame attempt at a joke:
A scrib, a rat, and a cliff racer enter a bar. They decide to talk about what they do for a living.
"I evolve into kwama." said the scrib.
"I sneak up on people." said the rat.
The cliff racer paused for a moment, and said:"I give gamers the chance to curse at something."

[Iamgoofball]

Oblivion/Fallout 3:Amazingly, the Annoying Man had managed to go to Cyrrodil, and asked The Champion Of Cyrrodil for help. Unfortuantely for him, the Adoring Fan was with him.
Sadly for the Champion, the two hit it off almost immediately. After two annoying hours, he finally shouted, "WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP FOR AT LEAST 5 SECONDS!" They did that. Then, they started again.
The champion, dressed in a full suit of Crusader's Armor, sliced off both of their heads. He then went on to kill everyone that wasn't Essential in Tamriel, except for the heroes from the other games, still dressed in a full suit of Crusader's Relics, During which, he shouted, "FOR ZENITHAR!", while slaughtering all the priests of Zenithar inside their own church.

[Dark Spark]

Repost:
Character Creation Quiz Question #42:
You are given the task of looking for a needle in a haystack. How do you set about finding it?

1> Meticulous examination of every bit of hay until you come across the needle.
Congratulations! You are a High Elf.

2> Force a gang of slaves to search for it instead. You have better things to do.
Congratulations! You are a Dark Elf.

3> Through intense concentration and obscene expenditures of magicka, you deign to levitate all material bearing one density at the exclusion of all other materials in the pile.
Congratulations! You are a Breton.

4> Forget the haystack. Get a new needle, crafted from the ribs of a Giant Slaughterfish that you grappled with your bare hands. Then, recount the tale at the local tavern.
Congratulations! You are a Nord.

5> Purchase a lodestone that was first mined from the barren uplands near Falkreath, transported through the Bruma passes at great cost of tarriff and human life, and finally sold in the Market District at 2000% markup of its intrinsic value.
Congratulations! You are an Imperial.

6> Convince someone else that the needle is a magical heirloom and that it'll be of great worth if they bother to recover it for you by any means neccessary. Then steal it.
Congratulations! You are a Wood Elf.

7> Needle? Do I look like a wimpy seamstress to you?
Congratulations! You are a Redguard.

8> Throw yourself into the haystack, knowing full well that the universe will amuse itself through one's own suffering by causing the needle to prick you sooner or later.
Congratulations! You are a Khajiit.

9> Convince some stupid Khajiit to throw themselves into the haystack.
Congratulations! You are an Argonian.

10> Set fire to the haystack.
Congratulations! You are an Orc.

[ZeRoc]

To quote the brilliant Argonian comedian Dar Jee:
"Why do Khajiits lick their butts?
To get the taste of Khajiit cooking out of their mouths
A real thigh-slapper, that one, eh? Phew. I heard lots others, only I can't remember them."

[beny15]

Argonian in Morrowind: "All I wanted was a pair of boots."

@Dark Spark, could you post the link to that thread?

[Vendetta]

To quote the brilliant Argonian comedian Dar Jee:
"Why do Khajiits lick their butts?
To get the taste of Khajiit cooking out of their mouths
A real thigh-slapper, that one, eh? Phew. I heard lots others, only I can't remember them."

*Claws face off*

[Eltee]

I think this is worth a read, while we're on the subject. I will try to think of a good one.

[AddictedtoMorrowind]

What is the thinnest book in the world?
Redguard Heroes of the War of Betony.

What do you call a Wood Elf who doesn't lie or cheat or steal?
A dead Wood Elf.

Ouch.

[Imp]

Why was the orc exilled from Cyrodiil?
He thought The Imperial City was a restaraunt.

[Unionhack]

What do you call a bosmer with a water-breathing enchantment?

An argonian.

[Imp]

An Imperial Army is getting ready for battle. The pilgrims come back with weapons. The army is fighting the khajiits. The captain Imperail says, "What did you men scavenge?" The head pilgrim responds, "To fight the khajiits we have Elven Swords, Glass Warhammers, Steel Shields, Daedric Bows, and Imperial Armor." The captain replies, "You forgot the two main needs in fighting khajiits, soldier." "And what would that be?" the pilgrim asks. "Spray bottles and catnip"

[AddictedtoMorrowind]

An Imperial Army is getting ready for battle. The pilgrims come back with weapons. The army is fighting the khajiits. The captain Imperail says, "What did you men scavenge?" The head pilgrim responds, "To fight the khajiits we have Elven Swords, Glass Warhammers, Steel Shields, Daedric Bows, and Imperial Armor." The captain replies, "You forgot the two main needs in fighting khajiits, soldier." "And what would that be?" the pilgrim asks. "Spray bottles and catnip"

Skooma and Moon Sugar.

[beny15]

Why does Dagoth Ur always carry asprin with him?
To help in case of a heart attack.

[Unionhack]

Why does Dagoth Ur always carry asprin with him?
To help in case of a heart attack.

Heh... I get it.

[Wolfie]

What happens when you play on very hard for the first time?

Spoiler:

The saying "I've fought mud crabs tougher then you" suddenly makes sense

[Farlace]

Why does Dagoth Ur always carry asprin with him?
To help in case of a heart attack.

I kinda chuckled at that one!

[AddictedtoMorrowind]

Why is Tarhiel not a balloon?

[ZeRoc]

What happens when you play on very hard for the first time?

Spoiler:

The saying "I've fought mud crabs tougher then you" suddenly makes sense

Next lets try to make sense of the phrase of "You move like a pregnant cow!"