Elder Scrolls dialogue you'd never hear

[chromalfean]

Inside The Feed Bag:

"Take for instance, Mrs. Teatime and her pie shop!
Business never better, using only zombie-guts and toast!
Now a zombie’s good for maybe six or seven at the most!
And I’m sure they can’t compare as far as taste!"

Please tell me someone got this.

sounds like something from Sweeney Todd ...

[mptrj]

*PC murders Alessia Caro in the middle of nowhere*
Guard #1 in Cheydinhal: "Wait a minute Dave, did you hear that?"
Guard #2 in Cheydinhal: "Yeah, sounds like Countess Alessia getting murdered ten miles away."
Guard #1 in Cheydinhal: *Draws sword* "Must've been the Champion of Cyrodiil, let's get him!"

PC talking to Brother Holger: "Wait, did you have something stuck in your throat for a minute there?"

Sanguine: "So why don't you 'liven up' the party a little bit?"
PC: "Wait a minute, is it the women or the men you want to see naked?"

Mehrunes Dagon: "HULK SMASH!!!"

[Dogmantra]

Inside The Feed Bag:

"Take for instance, Mrs. Teatime and her pie shop!
Business never better, using only zombie-guts and toast!
Now a zombie’s good for maybe six or seven at the most!
And I’m sure they can’t compare as far as taste!"

Please tell me someone got this.

I got it to the extent that I noticed Mrs. T.

[Wolf]

Lemme give you another clue:

L: With the price of meat what it is,
When you get it...
If you get it...

S: Ah!

L: Good, you got it!

[r]

"Ready to set sail at dawn, bos'un?"
"No, we've got a slight problem, Captain. There's no way of getting to the sea from the Imperial City docks. Leyawiin's in the way"
"Well how the bloody hell did we get in here in the first place then?"

"You smell of death, what have you been conjuring... oh, it's you, Falanu"

"A look at tomorrow's headlines. The Black Horse Courier goes with 'Corruption and human rights violations exposed in mercenary group', The Sun goes with 'Black-Would-Do-Any-Contract Company' and The Daily Mail goes with 'Employment for Leyawiin citizens at an all-time low after influx of migrant workers from Elsweyr and Black Marsh'"

"Citizens of Cyrodiil, I present your new Emperor - Boris Johnson!"

In Vahtahcen:

"We cannot get the pillar to move. Several mages have been injured trying to activate it"
"Have you tried hitting it with a hammer?"

"The Ayleid text translates as 'Have you been injured in an accident at work that wasn't your fault?'"

"The pillar's at the bottom of that corridor. But you can't go down there unless you've filled out a risk assessment form and you wear this high-visibility jacket"

[The Tom]

'What is the colour of night?'
'Well it ain't red, that's fo sure. I don't wanna be in no ting that says night is red? What are you people?'

'I am Lucien Lachance, Speaker for the Dark Brotherhood. But when I'm not doing that, I'm a production manager on Hairspray.'

'Welcome, token Redguard.'

'So who named you, Uuras? Todd Howard on a drinking spree?'

'What does it say when you look into Vaermina's orb?'
'It says...buy your drugs 100% legal Canadian pharmacy.'

[T PoPTartZz T]

M'aiq: Everything I say is a lie! Except that. Oh, and that. And of course that...

Lemme give you another clue:

L: With the price of meat what it is,
When you get it...
If you get it...

S: Ah!

L: Good, you got it!

And Wolfie makes the best ref'rence to London!

[Dark Spark]

Character Creation Quiz Question #42:
You are given the task of looking for a needle in a haystack. How do you set about finding it?

1> Meticulous examination of every bit of hay until you come across the needle.
Congratulations! You are a High Elf.

2> Force a gang of slaves to search for it instead. You have better things to do.
Congratulations! You are a Dark Elf.

3> Through intense concentration and obscene expenditures of magicka, you deign to levitate all strands of material bearing one density at the exclusion of all other materials of different density.
Congratulations! You are a Breton.

4> Forget the haystack. Get a new needle, crafted from the ribs of Giant Slaughterfish that you speared and strangled from your bare hands. Then, recount the tale at the local tavern.
Congratulations! You are a Nord.

5> Purchase a lodestone that was first mined from the barren uplands near Falkreath, transported through the Bruma passes at great cost of tarriff and human life, and finally sold in the Market District at 2000% markup of its intrinsic value.
Congratulations! You are an Imperial.

6> Convince someone else that the needle is a magical heirloom and that it'll be of great worth if they bother to recover it fr you by any means neccessary.
Congratulations! You are a Wood Elf.

7> Throw yourself into the haystack, knowing full well that the universe will amuse itself through one's own suffering by causing the needle to prick you sooner or later.
Congratulations! You are a Khajiit.

8> Convince some stupid Khajiit to throw themselves in the haystack.
Congratulations! You are an Argonian.

9> Set fire to the haystack.
Congratulations! You are an Orc.

[Wolf]

You forgot Argonian.


"Ah wuzth ah'woolkin' path' dith heyah tray thteyump wen ah dun thee uh maynothard runin fule on at mah wisth a bayig clube! Ah tot tuh methelf 'Wuths a maynothard doo-in' on dith heyah roady thang!?"

Ten points to whomever can translate it.


M'aiq the Liar: "It's all fake you know... All of this! It's only in your mind!... Now have a fishy stick!"

"Bloody Americans!"

"I hear we've got the first Redguard emperor! How exciting! Finally, they're moving up in the social caste!"
"He's only half Redguard!"

"Hello. I'm John Roberts, and this is little Kud'il. She's a starving hatchling from Argonia, and she needs your help. Every year, thousands of little Argonian hatchlings like Kud'il live in poverty without enough money to even eat. Please sponsor these hatchlings and give them a better future."
".... How did you get in my house?"
"That's not important. What is important is the fact that little Kud'il, here, will suffer without your help."
"Please get out of my house...."

[Dogmantra]

After beating Morrowind Main Quest. Credits roll.
In Dagoth Ur's voice:
"This was a triumph,
I'm making a note here:
HUGE SUCCESS..."

"Are you paying too much for your horse insurance?"

[Coulsonji]

"You got the horse armor DLC?! ARE YOU RETARDED?!"

[r]

Some Morrowind Nord Male Scottish Accent Humour.

"Gie's yer jaiket!"

"'Ey! Gie's a drank and a'll tell ye about thas tomb a kenna. Ma Granda were loabed in thar win a were jist a wee bairn, 'as go'a bag fockin' 'aimer in there, laddie!"

[Vivec's Tears]

Inside The Feed Bag:

"Take for instance, Mrs. Teatime and her pie shop!
Business never better, using only zombie-guts and toast!
Now a zombie’s good for maybe six or seven at the most!
And I’m sure they can’t compare as far as taste!"

Please tell me someone got this.

Too easy!

Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion eminently practical and yet appropriate as always, Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived without you all these years I'll never know! How delectable, also undetectable, how choice, how rare!!

Good one, Wolfy. Can't stump me, though, I've been listening to A Little Priest for two months straight.

[T PoPTartZz T]

"Ah wuzth ah'woolkin' path' dith heyah tray thteyump wen ah dun thee uh maynothard runin fule on at mah wisth a bayig clube! Ah tot tuh methelf 'Wuths a maynothard doo-in' on dith heyah roady thang!?"

I was walking past this here tree stump when I done seen a minotaur running full
on at me with a big club! A thought to myself, 'What's a minotaur doing on this
here roady thing!?"

Vicente Valtieri: Yes, I'm a Vampire, why do you ask? Are you dense?! Of course I
don't sparkle in the sunlight! I burn to death like every other Vampire in the world!

[Vivec's Tears]

Urvel Duni: (gasps) "A scrib! Flee, flee for your lives!!"

Almalexia: "You ask why I killed my husband, the Nerevarine? I had to, he snored awfully at night. A goddess has to get some sleep, you know."

Imperfect: "I actually don't perform in any Greek plays, but thanks for asking."

Uncle Sweetshare: "...two Dwemer goblets, and a Cliff Racer in a dead tree!"

Random NPC: "I know you just jumped into the ceiling so you could steal my pillow and then sneaked so you could sleep in my bed. Let's talk about how much you flatter me with your attention."

Bolyn Venim: "Were you surprised when you realized the only Bittergreen plants were in my manor?"

[ace62394]

After beating Morrowind Main Quest. Credits roll.
In Dagoth Ur's voice:
"This was a triumph,
I'm making a note here:
HUGE SUCCESS..."

Instead of credits, it should be Dagoth writing down the lyrics on a scroll.

[The Tom]

I'm going to spring into action again soon when I have some more. But for now:

'Our latest studies of Dagon show that he is somewhere between French Rouge and Bloody Mary on the Dulux paint range. '

[r]

"Have you heard about that new play Crassius Curio is putting on? Vivec is played by Crassius Curio, Crassius Curio is played by Dogmantra, and the band is They Might Be Giants"

"I haven't made any more progress on the Mysterium Xarxes but I do have some good news. A Redguard businessman wrote to me asking if he could deposit 1,000,000 Septims in my account..."

Sigil Keeper: "Have you considered changing your heating and power supplier?"

Dumac Dwarf-King: "The Dunmer are closing in. Our only hope of salvation is to achieve immortality using the Heart of Lorkhan"
Kagrenac: "How hard can it be? I'll get a hammer..."

"The Orrery hasn't worked for centuries"
"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

[King Acunasti]

Here's a stupid one.

Kathutet (in Mankar Camoran's Paradise): "So you have two options here: Do a stupid and easy task for me so I can give you these gloves for free, or butcher me and take them off of my dead corpse. You pick."

[azuarc]

I'd be able to solve this problem if only I could find a pair of calipers somewhere.

I can only afford to buy 600 gold worth of stuff off you, but I don't mind doing it multiple times.

I'm a professional smith. It's taken me years of apprenticeship and training to learn how to repair armor effectively, and to put together the forge, anvil, and other supplies to do it. It's not like just anyone can repair armor by beating on it with a hammer.

Rena Bruiant: Stupid mongrels. I wish they wouldn't follow me everywhere. It's no wonder I have to go to the chapel every day to be cleansed of fleas.

Valen Dreth: I'm so lonely here. Don't go. I wish we had more time to talk...before you DIE in here!

Cutter: These scars on my arm? Um, well, I have to be sure my blades are the sharpest. I'd be very sad if I sold you a dull blade.

Countess Alessia Caro: For some reason, the ugly scaly things and the flea-ridden fuzzballs don't seem to like me very much...*pout*

Kellen: Hey, are you up for a game of hoops?

[Wolf]

Too easy!

Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion eminently practical and yet appropriate as always, Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived without you all these years I'll never know! How delectable, also undetectable, how choice, how rare!!

Good one, Wolfy. Can't stump me, though, I've been listening to A Little Priest for two months straight.

I'll be Mr. Todd if you'll be my Mrs. Lovett





Emperor Septim: "My people! We have done great work these past years! From now, and forever onwards, the province of Cyrodiil shall be guarded from the Nords by a massive, heavily fortified wall! I hereby christen this wall the Maginot Line!"
"Couldn't they just go around it, Your Highness?"
"What? Hahaha! That's rediculous! What a stupid notion!"

[Dark Lord Cam]

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and its filled with people filled with [&@%!] and the vermin of the world inhabit it!

and they all deserve to Die!

Tell you why Mrs. Lovett tell you why...

I am Todd.

[Wolf]

Git bock un tupic!

What doogus said, but the Nerevarine when he lands at Seyda Neen.

[r]

Arianna Valga: "You think Chanel stole the painting? What, because she's black? What is this, the 1930s?"

[Vivec's Tears]

Too easy!

Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion eminently practical and yet appropriate as always, Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived without you all these years I'll never know! How delectable, also undetectable, how choice, how rare!!

Good one, Wolfy. Can't stump me, though, I've been listening to A Little Priest for two months straight.

I'll be Mr. Todd if you'll be my Mrs. Lovett

Thanks, but I don't particularly enjoy being thrown into ovens. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll just stick to being both! These are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett!

Barilzar: "Barlizar's Mazed Heart Club Band! We hope that you'll enjoy the show. Barilzar's Mazed Heart Club Band! Sit back and let the evening go!"