Elder Scrolls dialogue you'd never hear

[r]

It's going in here. It's not specifically related to one Elder Scrolls game, nor is it lore in any way, and it definitely fits into the category of banter. And yes, I kind of stole the idea off Mock The Week.

Basically, post stuff you'd love to hear as dialogue in an Elder Scrolls game but you'd never actually hear. Here's a few to get the ball rolling.


Oblivion merchant: "I'll buy all those Daedric maces off you. I have an unlimited reserve of gold but I can only pay 1000 Drakes for anything"

Crassius Curio: "I must confess, I do have the occasional sexual feeling towards members of the same gender"

Asking about 'Morrowind Geography': "What's there to know? Round here's all run by gangsters, the Telvanni districts are full of racists and the rest is usually on fire"

Martin Septim: "I've deciphered the next part of the Mysterium Xarxes. It reads, 'Are you paying too much for your car insurance?'"

[Vivec's Tears]

Uncle C: "Would you like to go to the movies sometime, dear?"

Caius: "I lost...*sob* everything to my skooma addiction."

Sugar Lips C: "I hate my parents' naming skills."

[Dark Spark]

Got nothin'.

[r]

You've got one in your sig!


A few more Martin Septim ones.

"It's amazing how so much suffering should be caused by something so small... oh, no, wrong character"

"You're giving me Azura's Star to destroy in the ritual? With respect, are you retarded?"

"Soldiers and citizens of Cyrodiil... Have you been injured in an accident at work that wasn't your fault?"

[The Tom]

'Prisoner! Stop poking me!'

'Let me see your face. You are the one from my dreams... Then the stars were right, and this is the day my TV's warranty expires.'

'Remember me...as one who will respawn in 72 hours...'

'Stop! You violated the law! Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence! Your stolen goods are now forfeit! You do not have to say anything, but be advised that anything you do say may be given as evidence in court. Now get in the car.'

[r]

'Let me see your face. You are the one from my dreams... Then the stars were right, and this is the day my TV's warranty expires.'

'Stop! You violated the law! Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence! Your stolen goods are now forfeit! You do not have to say anything, but be advised that anything you do say may be given as evidence in court. Now get in the car.'

Those two are brilliant!

Nerevarine breaking into a slave pen: "I am here to save all of you... money on your car insurance!"

"A look at tomorrow's headlines - the Black Horse Courier goes with 'Mehrunes Dagon defeated by Martin Septim and the divine intervention of Akatosh himself' whilst the Daily Mail goes with 'Illegal immigrants from Oblivion wreak havoc in capital'"

[Dark Spark]

What I meant to say, I got nuthin'.

'Cept this:

Frickin' waste of my time...

Simply stand here for a few seconds longer while the first arrow takes flight...

Drop dead, dead drops!

Oh, and crank up the contrast to maximum.

Raminus versus Lucien, who'll win?

Too many doughnuts, I presume. You need some apples crammed down your maw...

*Thump* *thump* *thump*

Priceless(?)

Of course, they don't fit into the robes...

Awww, he has an outie!

How do you make a Khajiit go *woof*?

[The Tom]

Oh I have more.

'I guarantee you won't find volume three of Mankar Camoran's Cricket Commentaries anywhere else!'

'Congratulations, you are now an associate of the Fighter's Guild. Here are the keys to your company car, the mini-fridge is upstairs in my office and the combination to the armoury is 16-55-73.'

'Walk always in the shadow of Sithis, brother, but be careful not to bump into anything.'

'Lord Dagon, our invincible army of essential characters is complete!'

Xivilai: 'I'm getting mighty sick of all this lava and rocket mines and stuff. I need a change of scenery.'
Dremora: 'Xivilai aren't NPCs. Shut up before someone sees you talking.'

[r]

'I guarantee you won't find volume three of Mankar Camoran's Cricket Commentaries anywhere else!'

Gwinas: "Good day, I am here to pick up my book - 'The Art Of Fly Fishing' by J R Hartley'. You have it? Excellent!"

[randomfrog]

Oh I have more.

'I guarantee you won't find volume three of Mankar Camoran's Cricket Commentaries anywhere else!'

'Congratulations, you are now an associate of the Fighter's Guild. Here are the keys to your company car, the mini-fridge is upstairs in my office and the combination to the armoury is 16-55-73.'

'Walk always in the shadow of Sithis, brother, but be careful not to bump into anything.'

'Lord Dagon, our invincible army of essential characters is complete!'

Xivilai: 'I'm getting mighty sick of all this lava and rocket mines and stuff. I need a change of scenery.'
Dremora: 'Xivilai aren't NPCs. Shut up before someone sees you talking.'

Ha! Those are some good ones! Nice sig, BTW.

[r]

At the Leyawiin dinner party in Sanguine's quest: "I hope nobody is allergic to nuts... because I like to just get mine out and rest them on the table while I eat"

"Come, bring Wraithguard to the Heart Chamber, and Keening, and Sunder. I have need of them. There's a nice car parked outside and I want to steal it"

"I have recovered the Great Welkynd Stone for you, Your Majesty. What would you have me do next?"
"Actually, I'm quite hungry, can you pop down into Bruma and get me a burger?"

During the Test of Wisdom in Mount Kand: "Question one - What is your name?" "Question two - What is your favourite colour?" "Question three - What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen Cliff Racer?"

"Your money or your life. Please pay by calling the Highwayman Hotline. All major credit cards accepted. Calls will be charged at a normal rate from a BT landline, calls from other networks or mobile phones may cost more"

"Ah, another who has spent time in an Imperial prison. Come, sit down and talk with me, and I'll get a nice soft cushion for you to sit on"

[Wolf]

Upon walking into the Temple of the One Community Center: "Hello... my name is Hieronymus, and I'm.... *sigh* I'm an alcoholic."

As the sky turned red, Lydric knew he was nearing an Oblivion Gate; unfortunately, he was not prepared to plunge into its depths just yet, so he walked on. He arrived a little later at the city of Bravil, though, the sky had still not recovered from its grim corruption. As he walked into the city, he noticed for only an instant-- as this seems to happen every time he vacates the proximity of a Gate-- first the guard, and then the townspeople staring at the sky in panic and fright, as it was rearing its lurid colour for them as well. He often wondered about the comical portrayals of dark clouds following a single person, but decided that it was best to focus on ridding the landscape of the source of these clouds instead....

Journal entry of a guard that night: "I swear, every time that man comes near me, the sky turns red! And when he walks away, it goes back to normal again! He must be a demon of some sort... the rumours are true, then! The Daedra have invaded Cyrodiil! And this "man" must be one of them in disguise...!"

I really do wonder how the people that Lydric passes after just passing an Oblivion gate react to the red clouds that seem to appear for the passerby right as he walks past them.




Inside The Feed Bag:

"Take for instance, Mrs. Teatime and her pie shop!
Business never better, using only zombie-guts and toast!
Now a zombie’s good for maybe six or seven at the most!
And I’m sure they can’t compare as far as taste!"

[The Tom]

'Hey look guys! I've found Wonder Woman, and she's an Orc!'

'I'm sorry Martin, but it turns out you aren't the Emperor's son at all. You are, in fact, Boromir. Now get back to Middle Earth.'

'Oh my God! Mankar Camoran has obtained some Kryptonite! How will we stop him?'

Uriel Septim to Enterprise. Four to beam up. That's how you do it, Baurus!'

FYI, these are all related to the four famous voice actors in Oblivion.

[Kestral]

Martin was Boromir!? :o

[chromalfean]

yes, Sean Bean

[Coulsonji]

"You know... sometimes I really wish we had toilets..."

[Dark Spark]

Crouching at one side of the second level of a Sigilium Sanguis, I see two Dremora guarding the stairs leading up to the third level. They walk towards each other and face each other. What kind of conversation would you hear if they were set up to talk to each other?

Dremora #1: (in characteristic Dremora voice) Greetings!
Dremora #2: What's new with you?
#1: I saw a mudcrab by the lava yesterday. I steered clear of him.
#2: Foul creatures. I hope never to see another.

[Jpot]

"My God, you...You jumped! But no man can do such a thing, save the Heroes of myth! And you say you can tell 'time'? We have no ways of measuring such things. And what is that on your face? A beard? What do you mean, everyone but children can have them? We all just spring from Nirn fully formed. Like what? What the hell is a smurf?"

[Wolf]

Caranya: "What?? What do you mean Mannimarco said no!?....... I just.... I just feel so... used."

Almalexia: "Does this mask make me look fat?"

Almalexia: "Normally I'm not half naked, but you barged in unannounced."

Vivec: "Normally I'm not half-naked, but you barged in unanounced."

Vivec's Tears: (to Doggy) "Normally I'm not half-naked, but you barged in unannounced."

Count Hassildor: "You know, I really value our friendship."

Zombie: "AAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!......... Cause this Thriller! Thriller night! And nobody's gonna save you from the beast about strike!"

Lucien Lachance: (In his darkly melodic voice) "I stepped in a pile of horse [&@%!] on my way here. *dark grin*"

[The Tom]

Gwinas: 'You can be sure I won't be back. I've never been treated so shabbily in all my life!'
Dremora Torturer: 'What do you expect from Paradise?'

PC: 'Go away, adoring fan! Don't make me do a YouTube video on you!'

Maglir: 'I'm rejoining the fighters' guild. The Blackwood company didn't allow drugs.'

Bandit, at a camp: 'I wish I hadn't been ill on the day they handed out AI packages.'

[r]

"Arch-Mage Traven has taken quite a stand against necromancy. Bloody fascist"

"You'd like the house, then? Very well, I will need your name for legal reasons"
"Conjurer"
"Conjurer what?"
"Just Conjurer"
"OK then... Will you be sharing the property with anyone?"
"Yes, my friends Conjurer, Conjurer Adept and Conjurer"

"The clue is in the first letter of every paragraph in the Commentaries - placed one after the other, they spell 'Are you paying too much for your car insurance?'"

[azuarc]

Teekeeus: Earana has found the Fingers of the Mountain? That [&@%!]! I pre-ordered that like 5 years ago and they told me that it was cancelled from the publisher!

I just discovered the location of a rare, powerful artifact, and I'm a very prestigious and capable mage, but I'm also very full of myself, and lazy to boot, so I'm sending you to go retrieve it for me instead. I know you wouldn't think about stealing it or giving it to someone else, or I'll track you down, cause I'm a very prestigious and capable mage...unless I get lazy and send some adventurer to do it instead, of course.

Is it just me, or did that guy's muscles actually grow while he was sleeping?

Beggar: No, I don't want to go to a soup kitchen. They only feed me there, and even though I can eat for a week on a single coin, I can also buy skooma with it.

I don't want to talk to you. Your personality attribute is too low and you're only a novice at speechcraft.

You want me to train you? I'm only good enough to train total noobs and....oh. OK, sure thing! That'll be $60/hr.

Baurus: After seeing the emperor dead, I came to this halfway house to drink myself into Oblivion. Turns out, Oblivion is coming to us instead! By the way, is that guy over there winking at me? See if he follows me to the bathroom.

Jauffre, upon delivering the amulet: Wait, you really expect me to believe that story? I guess I have to, though, because it's a convenient plot vehicle.
Martin, upon reaching him in Kvatch: Wait, you really expect me to believe that story? I guess I have to, though, because it's a convenient plot vehicle.

Savlian Matius: You've got to help us clear out Kvatch. Between you and me, I may have attempted to train these guys, but they're still retarded.

Ocato: You just escorted the last Septim to becoming a living avatar of Akatosh, and saved the world from the invasion of Mehrunes Dagon...what are you going to do next?

Jauffre: Well, you already know about our secret base of operations. I guess I might as well ask if you want to join us so I don't have to kill you.

Armand Christophe: I don't know why Hieronymous Lex can never figure out how to arrest me. I mean, I'm always standing right here at midnight with a bright torch so that everyone ELSE can find me...

Jyggalag: Once every eon, the other daedric princes let me take one dose of my medication.

Fathis Ules: You dumb little fetcher. I told you where to find that sword, I've been waiting here for you to deliver it for months while you've been running around using it, and now you give it to the countess when I'm the only one in the entire province who has more than 1200 gold!?....Rowley who?

Follower: No, I'm not giving up my torch. Get your own. How am I supposed to see anything without a torch?

Cheydinhal mage: I've got this crazy idea! Rather than using alteration magic to OPEN locks, we're going to actually do the locking with magic.

Worshipper #1: What's that you got there?
Worshipper #2: It's called Azura's Star. It's a soul gem that doesn't go away after you use it.
Worshipper #1: Brilliant!

What the hell are calipers, anyway, and why do I have them in this box?

[r]

"An Argonian, a Wood Elf and an Orc walk into an inn. The innkeeper looks up and says 'What is this, a joke?'"

"Wow, Legionnaire, you smell gorgeous! Of course you can have the key to the mine which I am not to give to anyone under any circumstances"

"I just bought a great book from Renoit's. It's called 'The Infernal City'"

[The Tom]

A guard kicks a prisoner into his cell. 'Wait a minute, we can't ki-' (explodes).

'Thank you for rescuing my husband. Please accept this sword as a reward. I would have given you a better one if you came back next week, but now I don't have to! Toodle-oo!'

A wanderer encounters his dead cousin on the road to Chorrol, after he was killed by a Minotaur. 'NOOOOO! AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE THAT MYSTERIOUS HERO HAD TO LEVEL UP YESTERDAY!'

'And that is the news. And now for the weather, with Alessia.'
'Well, Ancus, it's going to be mostly sunny today, apart from a few scattered red sky patches around the currently open Oblivion Gates.'

'Then pay with your blood! I also accept cheques and postal orders. Paypal is not supported.'

[Wolf]

Inside The Feed Bag:

"Take for instance, Mrs. Teatime and her pie shop!
Business never better, using only zombie-guts and toast!
Now a zombie’s good for maybe six or seven at the most!
And I’m sure they can’t compare as far as taste!"

Please tell me someone got this.


Gossip on the street: Have you heard about Rayland and Maricia?!... I know, it's disgusting! I mean, their children will be ugly as sin!

Game Developer in Cyrodiil: "I've done it! I've created what I call a 'video game'! It's about a world divided by war with a powerful nation simultaneously controlling the 'Earth', and being controlled by the 'Earth'. The 'player' is a person who has to make their way through the world, despite all of the global events, have a decnet life, and possibly get married and raise kids before he dies!"
Customer: "You're effin' crazy! There's no WAY anything like that could ever exist!