I just watched "The Colony" and felt the need to share my thoughts, namely the many and varied ways in which this film manages to be completely and horribly [&@%!], despite having Laurence Fishburne in it.
So this topic is for discussing the worst of the worst - the films so utterly dumb, boring, predictable, nonsensical and cringe-inducing that they make your brain bleed and you can feel your IQ dropping lower and lower as they progress to the predictably facepalm-worthy dungpile of a finale. Use of spoilers recommended, because there is always a slim chance that someone could actually enjoy the turd you're describing. It's a big world after all.
I'll start the show off with "The Colony", a turd of a post-apocalyptic variety.
Spoiler:
The idea itself is pretty nice - there's an ice age caused by humans messing around with the climate and people live in small settlements, hidden underground, slowly starving to death and dying of flu, because they ran out of medicine long ago. I was expecting a dark survival film, with some action and a lot of claustrophobia-related tension. Instead I got painfully cliched characters with predictable dialogue and the depth of personality of Kristen Stewart life-sized cardboard cutout. Then everybody acts like an idiot (or a variation - a suicidal idiot), the colony gets attacked by rabid canibals, fails to do anything remotely resembling sensible defense, burns to the ground and the survivors trudge through snow towards the rumored "thaw" without bothering to gather any supplies first. And the film tries very hard to look like 28 Days Later all the way through this. I kinda understand why Fishburne blew himself up halfway through the movie. There wasn't a single scene in this film that made me think "oh, that was nicely done", which [&@%!] me off a little bit, because it's a waste of quite a lot of potential. There could have been a lot of meaty, psychological drama, some discussion about the dangers of manipulating nature, something other than threadbare cliches about human behaviour in extreme situations... To sum up - move along, nothing there to see.
So, any cinematic disasters you've seen recently and would like to warn the world about? Or maybe some movies so bad that they have sneaked in to the land of good films through the back door?
Rule #137: Always waste time when you don't have any.
The Super Mario Bros movie.
What were the creators of the film trying to pull off? It was horrible! It was trying to be gritty and serious, Boswer was a man-politician, Yoshi gave me nightmares, need I go on?!?!
Oblivion wasn't Tom Cruise's finest hour (has the man had a fine hour in the last decade?). Incoherent story, tepid performances, trite "underdoggism." Plenty of whooshing sound effects and sparkling lights, though. The key ingredients for a modern-day blockbuster.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. -Woody Allen
It took one of my favorite fantasy series of all time and EVISCERATED it!!!!!!!! Seriously it was like a totally different story with the same character names. Its a real shame too. It could have been a great movie series had it been done right.
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Catwoman. What could have been a decent film turned out to be [&@%!]. Instead of Selina Kyle being Catwoman, they replaced her with a generic woman. They have her killed off and she is literally brought back to life by a cat. I will repeat that. She was literally brought back to life by a cat. Screw you film! That is [&@%!]. Oh and the main plot is about evil make up. I'm not joking. I wish I was but I'm not. What's wrong with just setting it in Gotham City, throwing in a Batman cameo and have it be about Catwoman stealing something or helping the Bats? As she does that.
Final Fantasy Spirits Within. Final Fantasy my arse! It's generic as hell and the ending is [&@%!]. They have a lot of material to work with but instead, they did an original thing and made it generic sci-fi crap.
Resident Evil Afterlife. It's not Resident Evil. It's not even a good film. It's just [&@%!]. Oh and Alice is just one big Mary Sue at this point. I liked the first 2 films. 3 was tolorable. This was not. Oh, you know bit in the ending, yeah they changed their mind and get rid of it in the first half hour of the film.
RANDOM SILLY STATEMENT AS SIGNATURE! Praise Sheogorath!
Paranormal Activity. now that was a massive load of dog-[&@%!]. I can't believe people were honestly scared by this crap. me, my mum, and my little brother watched it, and at a lot of parts we were just laughing at how stupid it was. but sometimes it was just mind-numbing drivel.
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over the years I have come to accept the attempted suicide of the Star Wars franchise, and recently saw this movie after maybe 8 or 9 years' gap. I was looking forward to it and it has its moments but if anyone wanted to describe how it would feel to have your childhood wonderment shot in the head with a 12 gauge, you can site this movie as an example which a generation of 30+ year olds would relate to. Never before has so much disappointment been felt by so many people with so much talent and resource on display in a movie theatre presentation
It does mean we move into the JJ/Disney era with absolutely no expectations whatsoever
Billed as a pretty cool action movie, turned out to be two hours of watching George Clooney deal with an internal conflict. After I saw this for the first time, I could only think "What the heck was that?!" This has been my benchmark for 'bad movie' ever since.
Billed as a pretty cool action movie, turned out to be two hours of watching George Clooney deal with an internal conflict. After I saw this for the first time, I could only think "What the heck was that?!" This has been my benchmark for 'bad movie' ever since.
I kind of liked The American. Sure, it wasn't the best movie ever, but the atmosphere was pretty solid. I have definitely seen much much worse.
Speaking of Clooney though, Solaris is probably one of the worst movies I saw. It's a boring, generic and pretentious sci-fi. That's pretty much everything I have to say about it.
ironically enough, as Simon Pegg is very vocal about the Phantom Menace in "Spaced", i saw his new movie The World's End, and it definitely belongs on this thread. There's a bit where it ibecomes an homage to the pub crawl, which is cool, but
if you're a hot fuzz or shaun of the dead fan, watch that again, don't go to see this
i just didn't get it, it was silly and required a lot of suspension of belief (including with the characters themselves and what they were doing there, which from these guys was a big let down) , but not funny enough to carry it through... hmmpf
Cloudy with a Chance for Meatballs. When I was a kid, I loved that book. But years later, they made it into a movie. They changed the story completely, from a magical island that rains food, to some person making a machine that makes food rain. The book had no plot, and the book was better. Now they are making Cloudy with a Chance for Meatballs 2. The second book wasn't called that! It was called Pickles to Pittsburgh. And I am certain that they added a plot to that too. Why make a movie about a story with no plot, and change it so it has one?
Batman and Robin. [&@%!] YOU! Seriously, this film is a massive [&@%!] you to the fans of the burton films and the gritty, dark Batman. This pile of [&@%!] was just awful. From the plot to everything. It's campy as hell. It uses cliched dialogue. Such as curse you, first gotham and then, the world etc.. cliches, and just awful character development. Oh and Batnipples. But the dumbest thing it did was a Bat Credit Card. What. the.[&@%!]. They reduced Bane to a generic thug. He only broke Batman's back and put the Bruce Wayne Batman out of action for several months.
Poison Ivy's origins are poorly told and Mr Freeze is full of puns. Yes, they went there and had him turn from a tragic villian to a joke. Oh and did i mention batnipples? And close ups of the crotches? It actually almost destroyed the franchise! That's how [&@%!] it was. Thankfully, Schumacher has not been allowed near the Batman franchise since the crapfest that was Batman and Robin.
RANDOM SILLY STATEMENT AS SIGNATURE! Praise Sheogorath!
@Br3ad - I completely agree about After Earth. I loved the last lines though - when Will Smith's son looks at him and says "I want to work with mom", and Will Smith says "Me too". It sums up the quality of the film quite nicely, I think.
Rule #137: Always waste time when you don't have any.
Alien vs Predator 2. If you thought the first one was bad, this is going to be goddam awful. It killed the Xenomorphs and reduced them to something that [&@%!] hillybillies with shotguns can kill. If a group of armed and well trained Colonial Marines can't take them out with the latest pulse based weapons then bullets should really do little to do damage to a Xeno but no, let's reduce them to generic enemies and have them die.
It's just about a group of people that try to survive a xenomorph outbreak. A Predator appears at some point and they fight but it's just [&@%!]. The characters are forgettable. The main cast is forgettable. I mean, how can you [&@%!] up the xenomorphs? Did anyone [&@%!] research them for the film? As it doesn't seem like that. In fact, the film is very forgettable as i'm having trouble trying to remember how crap it is.
If you ever get a chance to watch it, don't. Just don't. It's a waste of time as you'll just regret it.
RANDOM SILLY STATEMENT AS SIGNATURE! Praise Sheogorath!
Will Zurmacht wrote:Oblivion wasn't Tom Cruise's finest hour (has the man had a fine hour in the last decade?). Incoherent story, tepid performances, trite "underdoggism." Plenty of whooshing sound effects and sparkling lights, though. The key ingredients for a modern-day blockbuster.
Agree but it's sad cuz the movie had so much potential giving a back story and whats the truth but they spent too much time having jack repair drones and dream about a good life on earth to actually get into the real story..
Now w.w.z. Was probably the worst movie I've seen in a long time, lots of action at first then crash and burn slowly... The book was much better...
^Speaking of Twilight - have you seen any of Robert Pattinson interviews about it? They are absolutely hilarious and made me actually respect the guy. It takes a special kind of attitude to completely trash the film you're a star of and call the author of the books it's based on a crazy creep.
Rule #137: Always waste time when you don't have any.
