UESP Forums

What happens when you ride a pregnant cow into battle?

or

What happens when your speed is drained to 5 or less?

You move like a pregnant cow? oh...

Why does Fargoth smell? So blind people can hate him too.

Why do Dunmer have to have the beast races be their slaves?

What happens when a Dunmer doesn't like you and you point out some food sticking out from his teeth?

So a Dunmer walks into a shoe store, and sees an Argonian, he tells the Shop Owner, "You see that Lizard? I want you to turn him into my pair of boots." The Shopkeeper nodded in agreement. The Dunmer then turned to the Argonian and yelled "You'll make a fine pair of boots, lizard!".

What do you call a High Elf that is generous and modest?

What is black and blue and red all over?

What do you call an intelligent Orc? A sissy.

Hmm...not really doing it.

What do you call a Nord with two brain cells? Pregnant.

Ha! That was actually pretty good.

Why did the Nord get his hand stung by bees?
He decided he needed more honey for his mead.

What do you say when an orc adventurer is locked in a dungeon in Dementia?


What do you call a Wood Elf out in the open?


What do you call a Xivilai dwarf?

What is the most rancid smelling place in all of Tamriel

Why aren't Nord guards allowed to have lunch breaks? Anything longer than 10 minutes and you have to totally retrain them.

Shamelessly ripping off the light-bulb jokes here;

How many House Telvanni mages does it take to open a locked chest?
Five. Four to argue that it is their right to open the chest and one to get his slave to do it.

How many Dark Brotherhood members does it take to open a locked chest?
Two. One to pick the lock and one to get rid of all the witnesses.

How many Tribunal gods does it take to open a locked chest?
None. They don't have the heart for it any more.

How many Daedric gods does it take to open a locked chest?
Tree. One to give some poor sod the quest to do it. One to make sure the quest will turn out to be obstacle ridden and hard. And one to try to take over Tamriel while the other two are not watching.

What do you call a Corprus Monster that looks at you every second?

What do you call a nord standing up straight?
Sober.

What is a bosmer doing standing up?
Not stealing.

When do see an orc dance?
When its on a grave.

Altmer asks Dunmer: Do you know how to save 5 drowning Bosmer? Dunmer answers: No. Altmer says: Good.

Har har har!

So, a Hlaalu, a Redoran, a Telvanni, a Dres and an Indoril go to the Elven Nations Cornerclub to have dinner. Each one orders soup. When the food is brought to the table they notice that there's a fly in every soup.

The Hlaalu buys new, more expensive soup.

The Redoran strikes the fly dead with a knife and throws it away, then eats the soup.

The Telvanni conjures a new bowl of soup, then teleports the old soup back to the kitchen.

The Dres orders his slave to pick the fly and get rid of it, then orders new soup.

The Indoril calls the Ordinators.

Simplistic or not, I think these are some of my favorites. I actually just chuckled out loud. Especially over the Tribunal one.

What do you call a Khajiit would isn't a thief, an addict or a slave? Don't worry you never have to!

M'aiq does not approve.

How many illusion specialists does it take to open a locked chest?
None. The lock parts turn on each other.

How many Dovahkiin does it take to open a locked chest?
Tree. Two to drag it out in the open and one to crash a dragon into it.

How many sneak specialists does it take to open a locked chest?
You'll never know.

How many enchanting NPC's does it take to open a locked chest?
Just one, but you have to give them the key and they'll still charge you more for it then you can afford.

How many Mythic Dawn members does it take to open a locked chest?
A whole bunch, but when they are done, locked chests will start opening everywhere.

How many Dwemer does it take to open a locked chest?
One, but nobody can tell you how he did it, or what he found inside.

2 soldiers are in a tavern discussing a deal...

Imperial: When do our weapons arrive?

Orc: Any second now...

(bosmer walks in with a crate full of weapons)

Imperial: (sees bosmer) Count me out of the deal, I don't want to be handling stolen goods.