UESP Forums

By God I hate Imperials, especially the chapel going ones, and the Nine.

I mean come on here....I'm just wandering around Bruma, Big Nord, Big Sword, Big head...you know typical Nord-y stuff here, when I happen to remember that a couple of my attributes have been damaged. So I pop into the local chapel to see if the Nine might ACTUALLY get off their divine asses and give me a hand, surprise, surprise they actually do.

Everything hunky cheesy I decided to strike up a conversation with some of the people sitting around. I mean it may be brutal, cold, and unforgiving out there....but thats no reason to be unpleasent. So I pick out a fellow, looks to be fairly agreeable, and ask him whats what....and what does he tell me?

"Oh...I'm here to shove my religion down everyone's throat, especially these local Nords. They simply must put down their Heathen Gods and worship the Nine."

He says this to me,to ME. The big Nord, with the big damn sword.

Now...I'm not saying that splitting his head in half was the right thing thing to do...especially with so many witnesses....but what's a man to do?

If that's not enough...after I serve my jail time, which I still believe was uncalled for...especially after one of the local guards called me an "Ignorant Barbarian" I happened to pick up a book on Bruma, you know...just to show that Nords can read and all, and what do I find within its pages? This truly ignorant, shrillish, shrew of a woman just ragging all over everything in this obnoxious, holier then thou way.

Now being the man I am, I shrugged it off. I mean...for all I know she's some silly little heartlander who couldn't take the cold and just freaked out. It is rather chilly at times up here, and sometimes that can make a person cranky.

So I continue on my way, things to do and all that, and while I'm out and about in the various citys around this country I keep finding this books...and I'm telling you they just get worse and worse. I mean what is with this woman? What has she done to think so highly of herself? Did his crap out Talos himself or something?

After the third book, Anvil by the way, I decided that I need to meet this woman. I need to sit down with her, have a little chat, and try to pound some sense into her stupid little head.

So....using her own books as my guide I finally track her down in the Imperial city, and let me tell you...I wish I had found that book first, because good grief that was a lot of walking...and what is with all the bandits? Can they not think logically? Look at me, look at you, do you see the armor? Do you see the sword that just happens to as big as you are? One would think that something would click in their tiny little mind and go "Whoa....you know....I'd probably be better off NOT messing with this guy....I mean something just tells me that he can splatter me all over the ground with but one swing."

But I digress.

Now once I finally track this woman down, I am understandably cranky....I mean this armor is heavy, and I can't really store it somewhere because....well have you seen the prices on some of these houses?

Anyway....I finally corner this bigoted wench, and by the way...I wasn't triping over bodies of murdered women and children while I was looking for her either, isn't there something in her oh so holy book about lying? Now...once I got her what does she say to me? "Oh I'm so and so...and I'd like to talk about the Nine."

Now me and the Nine aren't exactly on the best of terms, I'll get to that later, and unfortunatlly she's just pushed all the wrong buttons with this here Nord. In truth I only meant to give her a little swat, but apparently her fortitude wasn't on par with her self inflated piousness and her damn neck snapped.

Kind of a gurgley snap...but a snap all the same.

Great...just great right....now the guards are up my rear...and I gotta tell you people....I'm just not in the mood. I mean I'm a former Knight of the Nine, yes thats right, and yes...I said former. You see...while I was on my way to show Mr Big Shot Unfeathered a thing or two, two or three of my more....zealous....okay screw it, STUPID Knights happen to jump in my way right as I'm swinging my Holy, flaming Mace'O death.

I did not tell them to do this, didn't suggested it, didn't toss it in a memo or anything. They just did it....and apparently the Nine, who really haven't shown much action, decide for some odd reason to stick it to me. The next thing I know, the equipment that I busted my big, white buns for just falls right the hell off. Yeah....right in the middle of all a battle. No armor, no weapon, no nothing.

Now fortunatly we Nords are a little heartier then your averal fellow, and I had some spare gear on me, and still managed to get the job done.

I may seem like I'm being a little harsh here, but do you know what I had to go through to get all that? I had to hoof it around, with a [&@%!] poor map that I got from some rambling fool ranting at everything that came near, looking for some busted down shrines out in the middle of nowhere.

Yeah...thats gratitude for you, a few mistakes that were not even my fault, and all of the sudden I'm a bad guy. But I'm getting off track...where was I? Ah yes.

So the Imperial guard are all over me...and you know....I'm just not up for more jail time....I mean sitting around in a cell is bad enough...bored out of your mind, food sucks....and all that. But I just don't deserve this after everything I've done. Hero of Kvatch, Champion of Cyrodiil...ever heard of him? Yeah...thats me.

So....I just cut a bloody swath right out of there..and you know...now Mrs Ottus or whatever was right....I really was tripping over bodies left and right on my way out.

Now at this point people....I must admit....I'm feeling rather unappreiciated....I mean for the last few months its been "Martin this." and "Blades that." Blah blah blah....

Seriously....Martin....good guy, had a lot of heart. But lets be real here.....who did all the leg work? Who hacked their way through all the caves, and ruins, and shut all those gates? Who went and got the damn amulet of kings back? Who went and saved Martin's priestly rear in the first damn place?

And thats another thing....I wasn't even going to give it up. I was just going to hang on to the damn thing, but nooooo Mr. Blades master is all "Oh no...I'll hang on to that...don't worry it will be safe." Yeah...right. I'm gone for what...two days tops and bam! People are dead, amulet is missing from the crate, and now we're all pretty much screwed. Could have just left the thing with me and everything would have been Mister Tinker. But no...baldy had to go and act like he was worth something.

And a crate? A CRATE? You put one of the two most important tools needed to keep our world safe in a friggin wooden crate?! What did you expect? The Dawn agents to just go "Aw #$%# a crate....man how are we supposed to get through this kind of security?"

So needless to say...I've about had it. I didn't sign up for this, I don't even know how I got in that damn cell. All I know is the world needed someone to step up...and I did.

Basically all I have to say is Screw you Imperials and screw the Nine. I'm done with all of you....the next time you need somone to step in and save your sorry behinds....don't come crawling to me.

I heard an interesting rumor about some kind of gate opening up in one of the bays. Think I'll go check it out. Sure its supposedly Daedric but to be honest...other then that punk-boy Dagon Daedra have always been pretty good to me. Do a few little jobs for them, and they actually give you something as payment.

And you know what? It doesnt just fall off or stop working for piddly little reasons. I still got my rings, still got my jewel thing, still got my staff that turns things into...other things (still trying to figure that one out) and a few other nice peices. So unlike some so called "Gods" I could mention....Daedra actually come through.

So thats it, I'm gonna take a little swim. Hope you choke on your do nothing Nine ya damn Imperial swine.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Okay,so maybe I'm extrapolating a little....but seriously...some of these people remind me of pyscho Christians. Not sure if thats the purpose.....but sure can't stand them....and slaughter them at every opportunity.

*Applauds*

I enjoyed that. Really good. Even though my favorite race is Imperial.

Jauffre didn't hide the Amulet of Kings in a piddly box. He put it in his desk in his secret room in Weynon House. Not like that would've mattered: these assassins were the same folks who knew the Emperor's secret escape route as well as the city in which his secret illegitimate son lived. Figuring out which bookcase were the doors to his den would have been child's play in comparison.

As to the Imperials, that's just their character. Only folks who like Imperials are other Imperials, but they're blissfully ignorant of that fact.

I enjoyed the story. Very funny.

But I do want to make something clear to you, all Christians are not psycho.
In fact, you can find psychoes in any religion or creed, so try and cool it with the Anti-Christian remarks.

But no worries, buddy. It's cool.

LOVE the story. LOVE how you BASH RELIGION and THE GODS!
Hope you think like that in real life. I do!

In fact, thanks for bringing up that dude in Bruma with the Nines and Nords who ticked you off. I think I've killed him already in his sleep, but I'll check. He ticked me off too.

Crtl + A,
Ctrl + C,
Start Key,
double-click notepad,
Ctrl + V,
Ctrl + S,
TAB to file name,
A,
w,
e,
s,
o,
m,
e,
ENTER key
'nuff said

Interesting reading!

I never even thought about that Amulet and Wooden Crate stuff.

That was so awesomely funny and true! thanks dude you just made my day!

STUPID NINES!

just got off work, reading through some threads saw this, and it made my night that much better. Hilarious man, straight entertainment.

Dude, I love this. I really like the way you did the storytelling. It really seemed like you were telling the story to someone in a bar or something. Simply amazing.

I was honestly thinking to let loose on the author a bit at first, thinking "Oh, here's someone who clearly has no grasp on who the Imperials are, or who influence them in real life." Then I read the post. Now I feel more like baking a cake and plopping it at his door-step. Poison free.

Here, delicious, Rubiks Cube, cake:

http://mentalfloss.cachefly.net/wp-cont ... ksCake.jpg

You have been blessed by the grace of St.Arvin!

You are a man among boys in your storytelling and brutal truthfulness. I hereby grant you two bottles of St.Arvin's Blessed Skooma!

Hahaha that just made my day. I totally agree with what you're saying. Second to altmer, the imperials are one of the most stuck-up races in the game.

You should play as an Argonian and do a story about Leyawiin.

i think that there should be like a story hall of fame or topic hall of fame! and this should go on there! Cause this is Amazing!

*Applaud*

the UESP remembers page?

:3 Your welcome

whats the "hr" tag?

<hr />
Make a line.
http://uesp.net/wiki/Oblivion:Oblivion
Used below "Quest Information"

i will try it then...
<hr/>

I think you and Jorundr would get along nicely.
Cool story, though. I like a lot of imperials, they're friendly when they're not pretentious. Orcs, on the other hand, well they're just rude.
Oh, and I prefer the nine divines.

most orcs are actually pretty OK. its just that one that runs the skooma ring in cheydinhal

yah sweet! this is to remembered forever!
or at least as long as this oblivion forum lasts!

did i submit it right? is it there?
EDIT: HOORAH! first (and best) memory!

True dat!