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»UESPOINTS!
UESPoints (UP) are a chance for all you lovely UESP users to earn reward points for your achievements and for participating around the forums. The CotM is now awarding UESPoints as a prize, in addition to the usual 1st place prize of the purple coins.
Here's how it will work: When the voting period is over, UESPoints will be awarded based on what position you came in.

1st Place - 3 UESPoints + Purple Coins
2nd Place- 2 UESPoints
3rd Place - 1 UESPoint

2nd and 3rd place have to have at least two votes to qualify for UESPoints.

Ingredients
Batter:
250g Flour
1tsp Fire Salts
330ml Ale

Fish:
4tbsp Flour
1/2tsp Salt Pile
4 Abecean Longfin

Dwarven Oil (for frying)

Recipe

Mix the Flour and Fire Salts together in a bowl. Make a well in the centre of the flour and add the Ale. Whisk until a smooth batter is formed.

In a pot, heat a sufficient amount of Dwarven Oil over the fire until it reaches approximately 190C.

Fillet the Abecean Longfin, then cover them in the flour mixed with the Salt Pile. Coat fish in the batter mixture until covered in a thick layer. Drop into the Dwarven Oil and fry until a golden brown.

Serve with hot chips, which can also be cooked in the oil.

It's not.

[uesp=]Or is it? [/uesp]

It's time to cook with British chef, er... Chef Dovah! Warning: UESP does not endorse Dovah or any of his....

Meals.

Ever invited all of your kin over for a feast and discovered that the fat family of farmers was not enough for a good ol' fashioned pie? Well, worry no more about being having your name changed from destroyer of mortals to [&@%!]. What? I know a dovah who got his name changed after failing to please Lord Alduin with a cake. Ah, that was a feast worth....

Not remembering. So, where was the Dovah? Ah, yes, teaching you, yes you. But not fred, [&@%!] fred. Was a very [&@%!] sna... judging by the shout from the producer, i best get on with this.

WARNING: The follow recipe is not suited for the following:

Mortals
M'aiq(He owes me a fishstick, the [&@%!])
Anyone with a shred of decency
The very fabric of decent humour
Red heads
mmm, red heads....
Moderators on the Unoffical Elder Scrolls Pages
Todd Howard
And men that dress up in silly outfits to fight crime. Oh, it's not to do with the recipe, it's just that you look real silly.

A Feast of Mortals
Serves up to 1000 thousand. If you're are fond not not eating meat go fus yourself. HARD!

Ingredients:
20000 mortals(20 per Dov)
980 balls of cabbages
4000 cheesewheels
A [&@%!] ton of apples
Flowers of your choice to hide up the smell of stinky nord.
980 carrots and leeks
One drop of Red Mountain ash for that extra kick.
A lot of patience.
Seriously, a lot of patience.


Step one:
Prepare the mortals by stripping them of their outer layers and split them into groups of 20.

Step two: Start boiling the carrots and leeks in the biggest hole you can find. I personally use the Thu'um to create them.

Step three: Start grating the cheesewheels with a very fine claw and sprinkle the mortals.

Step four: Wrap the mortals with cabbage until they are a roll.

Step five: Chop apples up and dump into the now boiled carrots and leeks. Dump mortals in and roast for 10 seconds. If they are not toasted and the cheese hasn't melted, you suck as a Dovah. I mean, seriously? What kinda of [&@%!] dovah can't roast mortals? You are a motherflodging disgrace to...

Step six: Steal every sweetroll and serve as desert for this is not a feast for 1000. It is a snack for one thousand. You suck.

Step seven: Find Chef Dovah and murder him for a crap meal sug... who the oblivion wrote this crap in? M'AIQ!? YOU...


Chef Dovah will not be returning to UESP due to, well, him being the most awful chef in existence. Stay tuned for his replacement, Sheogorath!

Ingredients
1 Slab of Horker meat, smoked
Bones of Horker, for stock
Bottle of Honey Mead
Essence of Hack Lo
Crushed Fire Pedals
Moonsugar
Peppercorn
Sea salt
Butter

1 Mammoth Snout, fresh
1 Bottle of Jazbay wine
1 Eidar Cheese wedge
Frost Mirriam
Snowberries

Jar of Tomato paste
5 Mora Tapinellas
1 Bag of Potatoes
3 Red Bell-peppers
2 White Onions
Fresh Parsley
Garlic cloves
Fennel seeds

Supplies
Crushed Ice Wraith teeth
Fire salts & Charcoal
Bundle of Oak logs


Instructions

The Prep
This dish can make a serving for three. First things first though, you may wish to start on the preparation on this dish the day before. This is so you can achieve the best results when smoking the Horket meat and making stock. Obviously, this process would be far simpler to by the goods as such, but you would miss out on your choice of flavors.

First off, remove any skin and excess fat layers from the meat. Horker is naturally fatty and savoury, but balancing this out with the lean is for the best. While your at it, place the bones and any meat trimmings into a large pot, that's for the stock.

Back to the Horker meat, before we smoke it we want to make a marinade, something to enrich the flavor while the smoker adds that signature aroma. This marinade will consist of soaking the meat in warm Honey Mead, a rub of sea salt & crushed peppercorn, a bit of moonsugar glaze, and lastly essence of Hack-Lo. Set up the smoker with some Oak, or any wood to your preference, and set the slab of Horker inside. Now would be a good chance to add some fresh garlic to the smoker as well for just a few hours, purely a recommendation.

Now back to the stock, with the trimmings and bones add a solution of water and some salt, along with a tablespoon of crushed Fire Pedals. Set it to a low simmer, and have someone check on it periodically to ensure it doesnt boil over or dry up. Once the stock is made and has had plenty of time to simmer, you can set if off to cool and save what isnt used for another date.

Part 1-Cooking the Horker
Now that the meat is nice and smoked, it's time to cook it. Take the slab and carve an appropriate amount for the serving size. For now, we'll only need half the Horker meat. With this portion, you want to cut the meat into a fine shredding. If the meat is too tough or you want it more tender, slow cook it for 12hours. With some creativity, you can do this via the smoker by creating steam over the flame.

With the shredded meat, add them to a large pan over a modest flame. In the pan we should only need a small amount of butter to keep the meat from sticking initially, since as it cooks the fatty meat will create grease n oil. Drizzle over some more of the glaze as before. While the meat cooks, it should begin to caramelize, so stir it periodically till it gains a nice even gold crust. Drain off some of the extra grease into a saucepan, and fetch the Jazbay wine.

Make sure the wine has been stored in a basin of cold ice and crushed ice wraith's teeth, since the wine needs to be chilled. While the meat cooks, it loses moisture and can become dry, so to help rehydrate it we're going to add a dash of the wine. Make sure the entire bottom of the pan is covered in a thin layer, take care not to drown the meat. Once it has been cooked away n absorbed, remove the shredded horker meat into a bowl for later. If there is any residual Jazbay/grease in the pan, pour it off into the same saucepan as earlier. Return the Jazbay wine to it's basin when done

Part 2-The Sauce
This is one of the more essential parts, and thus why none of the Jazbay/grease was wasted. On a low heat, we will begin to make the sauce for the Mammoth steaks. Add in 1/4th a cup of the Horker stock that was made the day before, along with a tablespoon of butter. On the side, crush the clove of a garlic before mincing it finely and add to the saucepan with a pinch of sea salt. Allow to border a simmer, and take care to stir it. If the sauce is to fluid, add in a thickening agent like flour. Make sure to not add too much, no thicker than a gravy.

Part 3-The Skillet
Next up we have the Skillet potatoes. From the bag, wash, clean, and peel at least 10 or more potatoes. In the pan that we used earlier add 5 tablespoons of butter, though the pan should still be greased from before. Slice the potatoes evenly, never too thick npr thin, and begin cooking them. Pinch some salt and crushed peppercorn into the pan. On the side, begin to prep the peppers, onions and garlic. Dice the red peppers, chop the onions and mince three cloves, then add them in mid-way. Take a spoonful of tomato paste and add that too.

Once the onions and garlic begin to cook, grab the bowl of shredded Horker. You want roughly 1/2 poatoes, 1/4th veggies, & less than 1/4th meat. As the whole dish cooks, chop up some parsley then add that and fennel seed. It shouldnt take long to finish now, and when everything is cooking, place everything into a wooden bowl to cool.

Part 4-Mushrooms
There are many variants on this part, but here we are going to use fresh Mora Tapinellas. You could leave them whole, but preferably clean and slice them. Add 1 tablespoon of butter to the pan and gently cook the Mora. Don't over-cook them, and they don't take long either. If you want them to have a small kick, add a small amount of the Horker stock then. Remove from heat, and allow them to bath in the remaining butter before serving.

Part 5-The Steak
The main piece to this dish is a Mammoth steak. As so, cut three steaks from the snout, no thicker than three fingers. Once cut, you can see each steak has two holes where breath once travelled. Stuff a small portion of Eidar cheese into these holes, but not too much where it's filled. On both sides of the steaks, a light rub of salt, then carefully place each directly on the grill over the flame. Thanks to the fire salts in the charcoal, they will all be evenly heated at a steady pace. As one side cooks, generously pour over the sauce. Some of it will be soaked into the cheese or exposed flesh, with a small amount actually pooling into the holes and evaporating away. When one side is finished, flip the steak and once again generously pour over the sauce. If need be, use a brush to lather the edges occasionally with the sauce. Depending on how well done you want the meat may determine the cook time, but with a medium rare we'll have a nice glaze and gravy/cheese-like filling.

Part 6-Are We Done Yet?
Not quite, now we need to plate the food before serving. Since we made a serving of three to start, we'll use three plates of course. Upon each plate cover half with the Skillet potatoes, then nest the Mammoth steak above with half upon the skillet. Next up, surround the barren side of the steak with the Sauté Mushrooms, allowing the flavors to mend. Add a small pinch of the Eidar cheese if so desired to the steak, but do so while still hot so it may melt into a fine layer.

To garnish the dish, as you would for any noble, gently place three leaves of Mirriam with four snowberries in a decorative manner and a small amount of moonsugar upon the top of the Mammoth steak. Serve along with the remainder of the Jazbay wine from the basin and a torn loaf of breaded bread.

To those more Alchemically gifted or supplied, you may add in a sprig of nirnroot soaked in essence of Gleamblossom for an impressive touch on the garnish. This will make it both hold a faint glow and a humming noise as if singing to you during dinner. But in my professional opinion, the more subtle touches are more grand than some mild gimmick of a court mage

Part 7-Enjoy
You may now dig into this well prepared dish, one that has been in traditions for generations. With the added flavors of lands a far and the knowledge of the various herbs in use, we have created a dish that even our ancestors shall envy.
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