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But no really, prepare for utter madness and the butchering of classic jingle jangles...

You have been warned

Guards all look the same,
And they have the same voice too,
Your wearing a face mask,
But they know it's you,

Bandit on the road,
Thinking he's the best,
Big mistake cos you just put an arrow through his chest!

Oh!
Dragonborn, bad Forsworn,
Bedrooms without doors,
Lots of arrows in the knee from fighting in the wars,

Oh!
Watch the skies, Big surprise,
Dragons have come back,
You can have a hot sweetroll as a tasty pastry snack,


Lovely Nordic crypts,
You can steal from the undead,
Deathlord in the hall,
Just chop off his head,

Skeevers in your house,
Thieves under the streets,
No one when they go to bed sleeps underneath the sheets!

Oh!
Alto wine, Tastes so fine,
Magic in your hand,
These are some of the delights you can find across the land,

Oh!
Hagravens, Skooma dens,
Bless the nine divines,
If you steal and kill nice folk you'll get some hefty fines.

I saw Lydia kiss the Dragonborn
In the Bannered Mare last night
Too much eggnog, too much mead
Made her feel a sudden need
To show her Thane just how she felt
By way of smooching spree

Then I saw Lydia tickle Dragonborn
Underneath his sweet-ass Stalhrim helm
The loot she carries weighs a lot
But she's so happy that she got
To kiss the Dragonborn last night

Up on the rooftop, dragon claws,
Roaring out it's Fus Roh Dahs,
Out on the villagers and the guard
All of their houses he has marred.

Fo krah diin!
Who hasn't seen?
Feim Zii Gron
My house is gone!
Upon the citizens
Hun Kaal Zoor
They still haven't called off this
Civil War.

Then comes the dovahkiin
with the Kel,
Please outlander
Use it well.
Shouts of Dragonrend
and clear skies
Call a dragon
what a surprise.

Liz Slen Nus
Have they called a truce?
Tiid Klo Ul
Ulfric's a fool
Tullius chose
his battles wrong
While the bards all
sing his song.

Then comes the vampires,
just for fun,
Next up's,
Boethia's Champion,
And the Thalmor,
sound the bell,
Brotherhood assassins,
this war is Hell!

Zun Haal Viik
What do they seek?
Laas Yah Nir
More foes appear
Send the fireballs
With Yol Tor
There's much larger problems
Than the Civil War.

Victor, the Grumpy Redguard
Wanted to test his mace
Decided to fight a giant
Who knocked him into outer space

He came down at High Hrothgar
Way of which we can't blame
But no one would dare to greet him
Or play in their Greybeard games

Then one foggy End-of-Time
Parthunaax came to say,
"Victor, I know you show some might
Why don't you join the dragon fight?"

All of the other Greybeards
Shouted out with their glee
Victor had a grand adventure
'Til that arrow in his knee.

On the first day of Saturalia
An adventurer gave to me:
A sapling from the Eldergleam tree

On the second day of Saturalia
An adventurer gave to me:
Two flawless gems
and a sapling from the Eldergleam tree

On the third day of Saturalia
An adventurer gave to me:
Three Elder Scrolls
Two flawless gems
and a sapling from the Eldergleam tree

On the fourth day of Saturalia
An adventurer gave to me:
Four Glenmoril Witch heads
Three Elder Scrolls
Two flawless gems
and a sapling from the Eldergleam tree

On the fifth day of Saturalia
An adventurer gave to me:
Five Aetherium shards
Four Glenmoril Witch heads
Three Elder Scrolls
Two flawless gems
and a sapling from the Eldergleam tree

On the sixth day of Saturalia
An adventurer gave to me:
Six humming nirnroot
Five Aetherium shards
Four Glenmoril Witch heads
Three Elder Scrolls
Two flawless gems
and a sapling from the Eldergleam tree

On the seventh day of Saturalia
An adventurer gave to me:
Seven jeweled flagons
Six humming nirnroot
Five Aetherium shards
Four Glenmoril Witch heads
Three Elder Scrolls
Two flawless gems
and a sapling from the Eldergleam tree

On the eighth day of Saturalia
An adventurer gave to me:
Eight dragon priest masks
Seven jeweled flagons
Six humming nirnroot
Five Aetherium shards
Four Glenmoril Witch heads
Three Elder Scrolls
Two flawless gems
and a sapling from the Eldergleam tree

On the ninth day of Saturalia
An adventurer gave to me:
Nine Divine amulets
Eight dragon priest masks
Seven jeweled flagons
Six humming nirnroot
Five Aetherium shards
Four Glenmoril Witch heads
Three Elder Scrolls
Two flawless gems
and a sapling from the Eldergleam tree

On the tenth day of Saturalia
An adventurer gave to me:
Ten goddamn bear pelts
Nine Divine amulets
Eight dragon priest masks
Seven jeweled flagons
Six humming nirnroot
Five Aetherium shards
Four Glenmoril Witch heads
Three Elder Scrolls
Two flawless gems
and a sapling from the Eldergleam tree

On the eleventh day of Saturalia
An adventurer gave to me:
Eleven Brotherhood contracts
Ten goddamn bear pelts
Nine Divine amulets
Eight dragon priest masks
Seven jeweled flagons
Six humming nirnroot
Five Aetherium shards
Four Glenmoril Witch heads
Three Elder Scrolls
Two flawless gems
and a sapling from the Eldergleam tree

On the twelfth day of Saturalia
An adventurer gave to me:
Twelve fragments of Wuuthrad
Eleven Brotherhood contracts
Ten goddamn bear pelts
Nine Divine amulets
Eight dragon priest masks
Seven jeweled flagons
Six humming nirnroot
Five Aetherium shards
Four Glenmoril Witch heads
Three Elder Scrolls
Two flawless gems
and a sapling from the Eldergleam tree

The End.

Deck the halls with steaming entrails,
Fa la la la la, la Fus Ro Dah.
Tis' the season to be bloody,
Fa la la la la, la Fus Ro Dah.

Troll the Ancient Dragons above,
Fa la la la la, la Fus Ro Dah.
Don we now our scaly glove,
Fa la la la la, la Fus Ro Dah.

See the soaring eagle before you,
Fa la la la la, la Fus Ro Dah.
Rising against the trodden few,
Fa la la la la, la Fus Ro Dah.

Follow me in eternal warfare
Fa la la la la, la Fus Ro Dah.
As Tamriel grows forever bare,
Fa la la la la, la Fus Ro Dah.

Quickly now the old time passes,
Fa la la la la, la Fus Ro Dah.
Hail the Dragonborn, common masses,
Fa la la la la, la Fus Ro Dah.

Roar with fury, stand together,
Fa la la la la, la Fus Ro Dah.
Against the wrath of eagle feather,
Fa la la la la, la Fus Ro Dah.